Gratitude

Today I am honoured to be sharing this woman’s blog in the effort to help other women that may be suffering with their own birth journey.

Her purpose of this blog is not only beneficial and crucial for her own healing, it gives others the comfort in knowing that they are not alone. It encourages a positive outlook in the hardest of times. As courageous as it is to share such details, this writer will remain anonymous until she is ready to put a name to her story. I completely respect this wish and hope this vulnerability is a giant leap forward in her healing.

I am in complete awe of her gratitude despite her unfortunate circumstances. She is a true inspiration to us all and I am honoured to be given the opportunity to empower others through her words.

GRATITUDE

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful; the readiness to show appreciation and to return kindness

I am thankful for what I have and what I have been through and now it is time to return some kindness by hopefully uplifting women and supporting others through my story. I have learnt to see the silver lining and be truly grateful for my journey. I mean don’t get me wrong negative feelings, thoughts, people and experiences do not evade me and like most people I have been a victim to heart ache and pain.
It’s in these moments of darkness that we need to find the light by focusing on what we are grateful for and forgiving that part of us that asks ‘why me’ and instead acknowledging these tests and trials are what makes you the woman you are and that is your unique power.
I am a powerful 31 year old woman, a mother to my one and only son and I am grateful.
Here is my story….

Every birthing story is different, some women have beautiful experiences some others do it tough, some super quick and others that’s last forever, some have distant memories and others can recall every second. I always wondered where I would fit in and what experience I would have but I never imagined in my wildest dreams I would experience what I did.

My son was born via emergency c section after being stuck at spinal and face up. I was fully dilated only 5 short hours after my waters broke and another 2 hours of pushing the doctors decided it was the safest option to have the surgery. I agreed and was satisfied that I got to experience labour up until as far as I could. The operation went smoothly and in the early hours of the morning my son was born – perfect 10 fingers 10 toes, crying and healthy my heart was so full. After a quick awkward cuddle, my partner midwife and baby boy were taken upstairs while I was being ‘stitched up’ I lay there in awe of what I had just accomplished, proud as punch that I got my son here safe and sound. I never once thought anything could go wrong now….it was all over done and dusted. I was so wrong
I had a small bleed (totally normal after a c section) so a drain was inserted and I went into recovery to be monitored. The bleed did not improve and I began to lose a significant amount of blood as my uterus would not contract. The doctors decided to re open my incision and place a suture around my uterus and pumped me full of clotting drugs to help my uterus clot and contract to stop the bleeding. 6 hours passed in recovery and while I was stable my uterus remained floppy and tired. When I began losing blood faster than it could be given back to me, my situation became life threatening and doctors made the decision to perform a hysterectomy.
I had lost 11 litres of blood and spent 2 days in ICU until finally I was released to the maternity ward to be with my new family.
So many doctors, heads of departments, nurses and social workers visited throughout the next week all asking how I was feeling and coping with what had happened to me. And yes I felt like my body had been hit by a freight train and I was fully aware that I had had 3 major surgeries in 12 hours but all I felt was joy. How could I feel anything else when I had this perfect tiny bundle of heart melting joy tucked in my arms. He was ok so I was ok and that’s all that mattered. Recovery was slow but every day I felt more confident, constantly driven by this force deep inside me to care for my son. I needed to get better so I could start my forever job. I didn’t have much time to think or dwell on what had happened to me I was simply too busy and way too happy.

6 months later my relationship had all but fallen apart and my world was tipped upside down. It was as if someone had opened the flood gates of emotion and I was drowning fast. In my mind I became damaged goods, incomplete and the trauma of what I had experienced hit me hard. I remembered feeling my body fail and bleeding out on the table, the claustrophobic feeling of waking up intubated not knowing what had happened, but the most paralysing feeling was guilt. Guilt that I turned my 2 day old baby away because when anytime I held him my blood pressure and heart rate skyrocketed dangerously, guilt that I missed his first bath his first feed and his first nappy change. It retracted into myself quite deeply and had to search for the remains of the strong independent woman I had once been. Was I enough? The answer was that I would always be enough for my son. And through this love I’d find the courage to be enough for me.
at this point my relationship is going steady and my partner and I are fighting for each other and our family taking small steps forward every day. People ask ‘when are you having number 2?’ And I’m still yet to find a comfortable answer to give them. They mean no harm and it’s a common question asked every day so I tend to smile and laugh awkwardly. I’m not ready to have those conversations just yet but I am working towards it. I am slowly re discovering who I am and my idea of what is important has changed dramatically! Having a voice, being true to your own heart and challenging yourself in how to be grateful, given any circumstance. I am a work in progress and my journey has only just begun. But most of all I am grateful for what I have been through, it’s taught me a lot and made me a stronger, more kind and forgiving woman and I truly believe I’ll be a better mother for it.

 

Unknown.

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