She is courageous, she is confident but best of all she is me.
The last couple of weeks I have been through much more than a physical change. I have found a whole new love and appreciation for myself. I finally understand what I put my body through physically and emotionally and have forgiven myself for that. I look into the mirror feeling nothing but love. I embody love. I see love all around me.
I can’t say that I’ve ever really loved Shay. I’ve respected her in many aspects but I have not given her the love that she deserves.
My journey has been a great achievement for me both mentally and physically. I certainly didn’t expect to remove my implants and gain a completely different person. I knew I would see changes but never thought I would feel such wholeness, so instantaneously. I truly feel like I closed a chapter the day I explanted. In ways I feel like I am writing an entirely new book.
As a proud mother of 2 girls, it brings me happiness to know the values I am reflecting onto them.
Our generation is very social media driven and It can be so easy to compare and lose appreciation for ourselves. Every one of us are different in the worthiest way. Empowerment is such an important value. We need to practice this every day. Instead of putting others down we need to lift each other up. You truly do not know the internal damage you could cause somebody. I believe that everything reflects from within. If you can think positive thoughts, practice self-love and take care of your body by consuming wholesome foods, you will radiate love on all levels.
Self confidence can be a complicated thing when you reflect about the life you have lived, to get you to where you are at today. The influence of others can be the ruler of our emotions. People do not realise the repercussions of their behaviour. It’s these sorts of acts that completely strip someone of their worth. Actions made out a momentary feelings that affect somebody for a lifetime.
For me I remember being bullied immensely in school. Girls would chant terrible songs about my weight and how ugly I was – “Hey fatty boomba, want another cheesecake?” Those words stuck with me for a lifetime. Those words were the reasoning behind days of not eating and underappreciating my body.
I remember being pushed into walls and malicious plots created against me for the purpose of others entertainment. To the extent that somebody pretended to ‘date’ me and it was all a big joke unbeknown to me. My mum would spend nights in my bed cuddling me as we both sobbed. This resulted in me having to move schools.
I remember growing up in a male dominant household being heavily involved in football, never really feeling like I was good enough.
I spent years being frustrated, using anger as my go to method of retaliation. It was the only way I knew I couldn’t get hurt.
I let men dictate my decisions and how in which I should treat MY body.
These traumatic experiences can be the fundamentals of our entire being. I didn’t feel good enough, I turned to cosmetic/plastic surgery for some kind of reassurance’ from others. I will never be too proud to admit that. We grow through what we go through. I want and pray that my daughters inherit these values.
And finally, the light bulb moment, the one that I never expected to share.
Here I am honouring my vulnerability: I endured a very traumatic event on a rare ‘night out’ in the city that resulted in chunks of the hair on my head being ripped completely out. My own children were affected with the aftermath of this. That feeling of helplessness and shame left me completely lost for months. I had to rebuild despite the way I looked and felt.
I remember conversing with a close friend, trying to make sense of the ordeal when eventually it all made sense. I realise my confidence was being unvarnished to allow me to be vulnerable. To not be materialistic and prioritise on my inner self. Because she is who truly matters. It was almost like a test for me. I choose to use it as an opportunity to grow, to become the best version of myself and to focus on what matters. I realised how much healing was necessary from those few things that stay stagnant within.
After all of this my body kept craving authenticity. I was slowly blossoming into the woman that I knew I was. The woman suffocating amongst the emotional baggage that laid dormant for all of those years. The woman that turned to cosmetic enhancers to feel confident. She was gone.
Having my implants removed sealed the deal for me.
So, if you are reading this,
My purpose for this blog is to express the importance of self-love and focus on how you treat others. You never know how you could be contributing to the diminution of somebody’s confidence. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and always, ALWAYS give yourself the love that you deserve.
I respect the woman that I was but I am in love with the woman that I have become.